There but for the grace of God . . .

[richardf8]

ginmar has been posting lots of stuff on victimhood and the way society treats victims, and the demands we place upon them. I think her analysis is right on, but I think some aspects of it deserve a closer look.

When someone comes before us and tells us they have been, or are, the victim of a crime, be it a rape, a beating, a mugging, a house break-in or even the keying of a car, the first thing that happens in our minds is that a timid thought draws back the curtain of conciousness, steps out onto the proscenium and declares in a stage whisper "There but for the grace of God go I." In this moment, we understand that what befell this person could befall anyone at any time.

This is a fragile moment, a moment of empathy, a moment when we are drawn face to face with our own vulnerability, the horror of which we cannot bear, and that timid thought is descended upon by our shields, personae and rationalizations which beat it into submission. It is in this moment that we may turn on the victim:

What were you wearing?
Why don't you just leave him?
Why were you carrying THAT much money?
Were your doors locked?
Why would you park on the street THERE?

The tendency of these utterances to blame the victim is incidental to the real purpose, which is to flee our own vulnerability, to construct a myth of our own imperviousness, to find that magic spell, the right incantations, to keep misfortune from our door. And this victim who stands before us characterizes that misfortune. Thus our impulse is to separate the victim from ourselves, to make the victim Other, so that we may imagine that misfortune is avoidable if we just do everything right.

Unfortunately, it is not always the case that we can protect ourselves. There is simply too much random stuff in the world. Bad things happen because bad things happen. It is not punishment, but misfortune. But that glimmering moment when we first here the news and realize that it could have been us - that is reality, and that is the position from which we must approach a victim if we have any sincere wish to provide any comfort at all.

Comments

[kevinjdog.livejournal.com]

Very true. It's a defense mechanism. But a way to channel that properly is to be a "protector", too. Even if it stems from a primal desire to better your self-esteem, at least it's functional. Being a comforting protector in a time of crisis can be just as effective as being empathetic.

[c-eagle.livejournal.com]

The level of actual victimization is hard to assess by generalization. It's more of a case by case basis.
Therefore it's usually better not to lash out at people, especially when they are feeling the recent vulnerability.